Friday, October 26, 2012

Green

"My name is Jenny Chang and I want to be the next recipient of the Clean Earth Initiative Grant because I am bright, eager and, above all, passionate about saving the environment!  I will bring a youthful energy and fresh face with fresh ideas to this year's program!  If you select me as this year's grant winner I will do everything in my power to ensure that the world is left a better place for our children and for generations to come!  Thank you!"

August 22nd:
That's the last part of the essay that I wrote to apply for the Greenman Corporation $100,000 Grant Contest.  It was pretty hard putting together all of my ideas, but I must have done something right because now I'm a finalist with two other people for the grant.  All we had to do was write an essay explaining how we would make the world a better place with the money and we would have a shot at it.  If I win, I'm going to help bring clean drinking water to kids in Africa.  Everyone deserves to have a chance at having clean water to drink!  Now I just have to get through the interview portion of this and I'll be able to carry out my ideas!  Only two other people stand in my way, so I have to be on top of my game!

*****

"I read that Jenny girl's essay along with the other guy, Eric, who applied.  Eric's essay was pretty intimidating and I'm a bit nervous to go up against him, but that girl Jenny... How the hell did she get picked?  She had more exclamation points in her essay than she had facts and ideas.  I swear she must have been sleeping with the whole damn grant committee to have been picked.  I saw her picture and she just looks like one of those girls who gets everything handed to her because she's so fucking cute.  Total bullshit."

August 30th:
I didn't say anything on my LiveJournal account that I regret saying.  It's true.  So maybe she isn't sleeping with anyone on the board, but I can't really see any other logical explanation for it.  Maybe her parents work with someone there.  Maybe her dad saved one of them in a war or something.  But she sure as hell didn't get in on her own merits.  That essay was garbage.  I was reading it with a really nice guy, Dwayne, from my environmental chem class and he agreed with me that she probably just got it because she is cute.  According to her profile online, she's "Frasian."  (Her mom is Japanese and her dad is French.)  How am I supposed to compete with that?  She has crystal blue eyes and looks like a Japanese supermodel

I'm not saying that I'm unattractive, but I am far more virtuous than she is.  I have been working my ass off to get where I am today.  My father didn't want me to go to college.  He wanted me to follow through with some arranged marriage that he had tried to set up for me many years ago.  He wanted me to move back to India with some strange man that barely spoke English and become a housewife and give him grandchildren.  When I refused, he disowned me and I moved out.  My mother still tries to help me out every now and then, but I've essentially worked my way through college myself.  I haven't had time for sororities or boyfriends or anything of that nature.  So it irritated me to no end when I saw that this girl got accepted as a finalist for something that there are already so many people working on already.

My idea is much more revolutionary.  I am so close to completing my research on isolating a strain of bacteria that will make otherwise useless desert areas capable of supporting the growth of produce with limited amounts of water.  We would be able to grow food virtually anywhere.  It's going to be my legacy, but to make it happen sooner than later I need the proper funding.  I am confident that I can win this grant, but this bitch is trying to ruin me.

I have never once been with a man and this childish girl couldn't handle what I posted online, so she doctored a photo of my face (rather seamlessly I might add) to the body of some whore in a pornographic movie picture who is bent over by some man while she has the parts of another man in her hand and wrote "Navi Bhatt takes it where she can get it from Greenman Corp!" on it.  She posted it all over the internet "anonymously" and several people have seen it.  My own mother even called me crying and a representative from the Greenman Corporation even called me to ask if there was any truth to the photo.  I have been shamed and disrespected and that bitch is going to get a taste of her own medicine... and then some.

*****

September 5th:
Well, I wasn't going to sit back and just let that skanky Indian chick talk shit about me and not do anything about it.  Who the hell does she think she is?  I mean, I'm not the most pure virgin or anything, but I'm sure not the kind of person who sleeps with people to get ahead.  So this guy that I met last week from one of the local frat houses, Jason, is like an absolute genius with Photoshop.  He totally helped me put that photo together and distribute it and stuff.  Serves her right.

Tonight was my sorority's first big party of the year.  We do this amazing toga party every year and as a new pledge I had to be one of the "living statues" for the night.  Basically I just had to stand there and look cute in a toga and wear some crappy white body paint so that I looked like a marble statue that everyone could ogle and I was supposed to like hold a tray of drinks or some crap like that.  It was only for a few hours and my sisters know I'll do anything for my house.  It's the same house that my mom pledged to when she went to school here.  My mom is basically my best friend in the world.  We talk almost everyday and we tell each other everything.  She was so excited when I told her I pledged Alpha Beta Kappa!  But it didn't go down as I had planned.

I got to the party and I had already been all painted up and had my hair looking really cute in an up-do with a little grape clip.  Some of the girls in the house that were running the party were wearing masquerade masks so that they could go about their business without interruptions from some of the frat guys.  And there were a ton of frat guys there that night.  Most of them were super cute, but some were just like the nerdy frat guys that only got in because their parents donated money or bought a library or some junk like that. 

When I walked in the door Ashley A. told me that I was going to be holding a snack tray over by the table in the corner.  But when I got over there this other girl says, "Hey Jenny, there's been a change of plans.  One of the pledges who was going to be the statue for the VIP room got sick.  You are totally cute tonight and I think it would be great if you could stand in for her there.  You won't have to hold anything heavy at that station."  She was wearing a mask, so I couldn't tell who it was, but she smiled at me so nicely that I agreed to go along.  Plus I wasn't looking forward to holding a damn snack tray.  It was a win either way.  Or so I thought. 

Our house was really big and the girl led me to a room towards the east end of the house.  It was just some random sister's bedroom that had a sign on it with cute star stickers that spelled out VIP.  Everything had been pushed to the side and the room was lit up with black light and some strings of blue holiday lights.  There was some music playing softly in the background and there was a makeshift pedestal in the middle of the room.  A few couches had been dragged in from the other parts of the house and had some velvet fabric draped over them and there were some champagne glasses and bottles on a small table to the side.  It looked pretty decent.

"So there's a pose that we are going to have you strike in here tonight.  You are going to be Justice and since Justice is blind, you will get to wear this blindfold," she told me guiding me to the pedestal.  "Put it on, Sister Jenny."  I did as I was told and stood in place as everything went dark.  "Now, you may have heard from some of the girls that it can be somewhat difficult to hold your pose for such a long time, so I brought in this great stuff that helps you hold your pose for a really long time and you won't have to worry about moving a muscle."  I started to object but before I could say anything I could feel her stick the needle in the back of my leg.  "Yes, that's it," she told me in a really creepy voice.  "Now let's get you all ready before you can't move anything."  I had a really bad feeling about this.  I was starting to get kind of dizzy and I was finding it hard to move anything at all.

"So because it's hard to stand like that for such a long period of time, I'm going to have you get down on your knees.  That's a good sister.  Just like that," she told me like I was in kindergarten.  I think she even pat me on the head, but I wasn't really even able to feel a whole lot.  I have no idea what she gave me, but it was kicking in fast.  "Now here are your scales of truth," she said placing two light chains with something hanging from them in each of my hands.  She had to tighten my fingers around them because I was at the point where I couldn't do it myself.  "There we go!  That's perfect!  We are going to raise so much extra money here tonight and your scales of truth will hold the money.  I will start letting everyone know that the room is finally ready.  Don't go anywhere!" she laughed.  It seemed like forever until I heard anyone else again.  Finally I heard the girl outside the room talking to who I assume were our VIP guests. 

"Alright, gentlemen," she said to them.  Her voice sounded a little different than it had before, like she was speaking with an accent, but it was for sure the same girl.  "Prepare yourself for a VIP room unlike any you have ever experienced before.  We have comfy couches, champagne and, what you've all been waiting for, a little entertainment."  When she said the last word the guys outside the room cheered loudly.  I'm sure the whole house could hear.  I tried to open my mouth to speak, but I could barely even feel my lips let alone move them.  I heard the door open and the girl said, "And as promised, here she is!  The lovely, the exotic, Frasian Sensation!  Justice may be blind, but we will let our little angel here see the light!  Make sure you leave her tips on the money scales first!" 

The blindfold was removed from my face and I could see a little bit of who was in the room.  It was a group of about fifteen frat guys and most of them were not very attractive at all, even in the dim lighting.  They looked at me strangely like it was the first time they had ever seen a girl before.  I then realized that I was cold.  I didn't remember being that cold earlier.  The guys in the room stared at me with wide eyes and looked like they were going to attack. 

"Remember, whoever leaves the biggest tip in the first minute will get to go first!" she called out as she closed the door behind her. 

"I've got fifty!" one of them yelled.  "I've got one-fifty!" yelled another.  It was then that I started realizing what was about to happen.  I tried to move but I couldn't move a muscle.  I was completely paralysed and completely naked.  It was even hard to breathe.  My sister had sold me out.  I was incredibly scared and I couldn't do a thing about it.  Eventually, one particularly ugly guy pulled out two hundred and fifty dollars and the girl declared him the winner.  She fished a bowl of condoms out from under the champagne table and passed them out to each of the guys there.

"Congratulations!" she said in a giddy tone.  "You get the honor of going first!  Everyone else please line up in order of tip contribution and you will get your turn.  Our little filly here is ready to please!"  I still couldn't see her face but I could see her wink through the mask.  She looked at me one last time and just smiled a huge, maniacal smile. 

I didn't see the first person until he was right in front of me, but as I was on my knees, I could hear the zipper come undone right by my face.  "I really like her face," he told everyone.  "I think I'll start there."  I only felt a tiny bit of pressure as he manhandled my cheeks and lowered my lip.  He put his disgusting, nasty dick right in my mouth and pushed it inside as far as he could.  I couldn't move my tongue, but I could taste the fact that he was sweaty and gross.  He just kept taking it out and pushing it in.  He did it for about three minutes while everyone around him was cheering and making rude comments.  He told everyone that he was about to "jizz all over the slut" and the girl who was running the operation said, "Remember, no doing that in her mouth!  We don't want her to choke on the whore juice!"  The sweaty pervert laughed when she said that and pulled his pathetic dick out of my mouth and came all over my face.  All of the other perverts laughed with him.

"Oh look!  You've ruined her makeup!  Let's get that all cleaned up!" she said wiping my face clean.  I had heard of fucked up hazing rituals before, but this was just insane.  My mom had paid way too much money to get me in here for me to be treated like this.  But then it got worse.  "Now remember, guys.  This one does have more than one place to put things!  We can do more than one of you at a time and the line will move much more quickly!  Can I get a little help here?" 

A few of the faceless assholes there picked me up and bent me in a position where I was on my hands and knees, but had my head up as though I were wearing some sort of invisible dog collar.  They all seemed smug like they had just done some really great work there.  I was so upset and I could feel tears of anger start to well up in my eyes.  "Oh, don't be upset, sister," the girl said quietly to me.  "I bet you'll take it however you can get it," she said her voice changing from a perky upbeat tone to a deeper voice with a slight foreign accent.  It was then that I knew what was happening.  I let out a squeal of anger and she laughed a little more.  "The drug must be starting to wear off," she whispered in my ear, "but we still have time for you to service all these losers."  Then popping back upright she said in her once again perky voice, "Get to it, men!"

I was starting to get some of the feeling back in my body, but I still couldn't move anything.  The next guy put it in my mouth while another put it in my pussy.  I hadn't had sex in a few months, so it kind of hurt.  Fortunately these guys hadn't been with anyone in a long time (or maybe even ever) so each one was quick.  I saw Navi take a few pictures while there were two guys balls deep inside of me on either side.  I was going to fucking kill this bitch.  What kind of psychopath does this to someone who only posted a phony picture?

As I started to get some of my movement back around guy number ten, I bit down on the guy's junk.  He pulled himself out and slapped me as hard as he could and yelled, "No teeth, bitch!"  All Navi did was say not to damage the merchandise.  Stupid whore.  I bit him again and he knocked me upside the head with his fist when Navi had her back turned.  My ears were ringing a bit after that.  I just wanted this all to be over so I used my tongue and got him off. 

Guys had come on my face, my back, my tits, my ass... and fortunately she was nice enough to make everyone wear condoms and not let them do anything inside of me.  I'm so lucky.  She had taken several pictures and I'm pretty sure that there was a guy who was filming all of it on his cell phone.  By the time the last guy was done, most of the paralysis was gone, but I was just physically and emotionally exhausted.  A few of them left extra tips at the door because I "was just that good." 

As the last frat boy left, I lay on the pedestal, sticky and hurt and just collapsed.  Navi threw my toga over my naked body which was covered in splotchy white paint, my hair completely messed up and my little grape clip smashed on the floor. 

"Don't fuck with me again, you whore," she said viciously, pulling her mask off her face so she could finally look me in the eyes.  "This grant is mine and a dumb slut like you deserves nothing but cock."  Then she spit on me and walked out the door, slamming it behind her.

*****

September 12th:
Was what I had done to Jenny cruel?  Perhaps, but I still regret nothing.  She is a scheming whore who deserved what she got.  And towards the end she appeared to be liking it.  Because she is a slut.  I pray that her parents are deceased so that they may never have to know the shame of having such filth that their daughter is responsible for.  Dwayne, from the college, is in a pre-med program and was able to help me get a neuromuscular blocker that was just right for the occasion.  He's been a good friend.

My interview is today with the board.  I have all of my slides and informational packets ready with the research that I already have completed.  It is sure to be a great success!


September 13th:
I am certain that there is a special place in Hell for what the whore put me through yesterday.  The shame is almost unbearable and I will never tell a soul about the events that transpired, so I must get everything out in my journal now and burn it soon thereafter so that I might lift this heavy burden off of my shoulders.

I went to the Greenman Corporation office building yesterday afternoon for my interview.  When I got there, the receptionist at the front desk said that the interview committee had decided to hold the interviews in a more casual environment to ease the minds of the finalists.  It was a fancy hotel a few blocks away called the Starflower Suites.  I asked the man at the front where the meeting was being held and he said that there was a suite on the fifth floor being held for the Greenman Corporation. 

I was incredibly nervous and found myself constantly adjusting my collar or putting my hair behind my ear the whole way up the elevator and down the long corridor.  It was the suite at the end of the hall and there was a tiny plaque outside the door where a typed paper had been slid into place that said "Finalists Please Knock."

I knocked softly on the door and when no on answered I knocked once more with a more aggressive pound to show that I wanted this.  The door finally opened slowly and I could see a table and three empty chairs at the end of the room through the crack in the door.  This was the place.  Although whoever had opened the door had not been very welcoming.  I pushed the door lightly and the second I took a step inside a large man with chocolate brown skin and a hood obscuring his face grabbed me by the arm, pulled me into the room and turned off the lights so that the room was pitch black.

"Are you Navi Bhatt?" the man asked in a very deep, very intimidating voice.  I was scared stiff and all I could do was just answer him in the affirmative with a slight stutter.  "Then you came to the right place.  Don't worry.  I won't be gentle.  And if it gets too rough, you have the safeword."  And before I could say anything else he stuffed a small rubber ball in my mouth.  I screamed through the gag and tried hitting him with my folders and laptop bag, but he had to have been at least a foot taller than I was and everything that I had thrown at him had been in vain.  He overpowered me in a matter of seconds. 

He practically tore all of my clothes off of me.  I heard the buttons on my blouse pop off and fall on the hardwood floor of the suite's entry hall.  The skirt that I wore made a slight tearing sound as he pulled it down over my hips and moved it down to the carpet.  As he pushed me down onto the bed, I crossed my legs tight to prevent him from taking off my undergarments, but when he couldn't slide them off he forcefully ripped them on the sides and flung them across the room.  I wrapped my arms across my chest to discourage him from removing my bra.  The fear in me only grew more intense as he told me, "You can keep your damn bra on.  I'm only interested in one thing right now."

I could hear a shrill noise come from my throat as he forced my arms behind my thighs and bound them together tightly with rough, sticky duct tape.  The tepid sound of it being pulled off of the roll echoed in my mind last night as I tried desperately to sleep.  But sleep never came because all that I could think of was what came next. 

After ensuring that my hands were secured behind me, my assailant shoved my face into a pillow on the bed and positioned my backside in the air.  He smacked me with a great amount of force on each cheek and after that slapped me hard in a place that no man had ever touched me before.  It stung.  I could feel my face get hot and I cried hollow cries that were only muffled by the pillow and the gag still in my mouth.  I heard him laugh behind me as he slowly traced a finger down my... you know... and ran it back down again.  He did that a few times as I squirmed under his touch.  I eventually gave up crying because I was having a hard time even getting enough air through the pillow and sheets as it was. 

"Well I'll be damned," he said with a rich, throaty chuckle.  "An honest to God virgin.  Don't worry.  I will be a gentleman and stick to our agreement."  I heard him back away from the bed for a second and unzip his pants and disrobe.  I tried to free my arms and change position but almost wound up on the floor as a result.  "Ah, ah, ah.  We can't have you hurting yourself now.  That's what you have me for."  And he laughed again.  That laugh will forever haunt my dreams. 

I heard him behind me.  He was touching himself and making things hard back there as he fondled me roughly.  At one point he started hitting me with it.  It was so large I found myself literally shaking.  And then he put a finger inside of me and made my entire body tighten up.  He hadn't put it in the place that most men would, but in a far worse place.  I screamed and my body became as stiff as a board.

"Come on now, baby," he said in a voice as smooth as silk.  "Loosen up and let me in.  I can't do what you've asked unless you relax.  But I can help you out a little."  And with that I felt a cold liquid being poured into the tight crevice below the small of my back.  He kept telling me to behave and relax but all I could think of was what he was about to do to me.  I whimpered and prayed to gods that I hadn't prayed to in years, but apparently none of them had time for me that day.

He spread me apart with both hands and positioned himself right up to me.  He stretched it out with his incredibly thick tip and the tears came to my eyes yet again.  He put on a little more of the cold lubricant and let out a deep sound of satisfaction as he pushed himself forward inside of me.  The pain was unbearable. I thought that I would be able to stand it at first, but when I realized that he had only put in just a tiny bit I was unsure of how much more I would be able to take.  He rocked back and forth behind me and pushed in more and more each time.  I howled with pain each time it went deeper.  By the second or third time that he finally put the entire length of it inside of me, I simply passed out. 

I am not sure how long the suffering lasted, but I remember as I lost consciousness I heard my father's voice in my head telling me: "This is why you should have just married Habib!"

When I woke up my body was sore and the tape was removed from my wrists.  The curtains had been opened and I was alone in the room, laying on the bed with a sheet covering my shame.  I looked over to the table at the end of the room and there was a lone piece of paper place on it.  Also, my binders, bag and clothes had neatly been stacked up in a nearby chair.  I got up slowly to see what the paper was and my whole lower half felt as though it had been recently lit on fire and extinguished too late.  I winced and cried out a bit to myself as I made my way to the table.  I noticed there was a bit of blood on the white hotel sheets. 

I picked up the paper which looked like it had been folded up in the man's pocket.  It only had a few things scrawled on it in poor penmanship.  I read the paper and then crumpled it up in anger as I tried to plan my next move.  All it had said was:

"Starflower Suites, 3pm, Room 511. 
Internet request.  Navi Bhatt. 
Rough, S&M rape fantasy-- AO 
Safeword Prompt:  Three scratches on leg to remove gag. 
Safeword Phrase: Jenny is Awesome."

*****

September 14th:
I had my interview on the same day that Navi had her's.  It went fantastic and they said they would let me know by the end of the week what their decision was.  Of course, I didn't get ass-raped in my interview!  Hahaha!  She deserved much more than that, but when I talked it over with Jason he said that it would be best if we just stuck with one thing and didn't make it too complicated.  I'm pretty sure I'm a shoe-in after that!  Stupid bitch... 

Oh!  And just after writing that last paragraph, I got a call saying that they are going to hand out the grant in person tomorrow!  They didn't say if all of the finalists were invited, but I will put up with having to see that bitch again for a hundred-thousand dollars!

*****


September 15th:
I am just going to put myself out there and preface this entire video commentary by saying the following:  I am not a very nice person.  I do what I have to do to make my business profitable and one thing that is profitable in my business is realism.  Sometimes it takes weeks or even months to get what I want, but almost every time I try something like this, it generally pans out. 

So let me explain what's going on here.  The first chick that walked in, the Asian chick, she is a hot commodity.  Look at that body and look at that face.  You don't see a Japanese girl with blue eyes fall into your lap too often.  The second one, the Indian chick, also a pretty hot fucking commodity too.  She's twenty-two and still a virgin.  And the best part about this, is that this is all legit.  We just have a little bit of convincing to do and we will have them peeling their panties in no time.  But the stage is all set.  I made sure of it myself. 

So there they both are, waiting in the lobby, thinking they are both up for some big scholarship or grant or something like that for $100,000 dollars.  While I'm sitting back here watching them from the two-way mirror.  I'm making them wait for a bit just so they can get nice and catty and uncomfortable.  They don't know it but they are about to get a big surprise.  Okay, now they are looking nice and pissed off, so I'm going to go make my grand entrance.

I walk out into the lobby in some business slacks and a polo shirt and they are both shocked to see me.  I love this part here where in unison the Indian chick says, "Dwayne?" and the Asian chick squeaks, "Jason?"  And both of their jaws pretty much drop to the floor.

"Actually," I tell them as straight-faced as possible, "My real name is Eric. Eric Schwartz."  I let them just stare at me in awe for a second and then I keep going.  "I'm really sorry to trick you guys like that, but they said if I cooperated that they would give me the grant.  The messed up part is though... Well... Did either of you actually look up what Greenman Corporation is?"  You can see them look at each other here like idiots and it's just classic.  "Yeah, I didn't either.  I mean, I did a Google search on them and it said they did environmental stuff, but I didn't really dig very deep." 

"What are you trying to say?" the Indian girl asked me.  I told them we wouldn't use real names, so I'm just gonna call her "Indi."  I don't need any activist types sending me hate mail or any bullshit like that.

"What I'm trying to say is, that Greenman Corporation is just a front," I told them in my most innocent voice.  "Yeah, they donate money to environmental groups, but do you know how they get all that money?"  They both looked at me wide-eyed and shook their heads.  "They are a damn porno company!"  When I told them that the Asian chick, "Asia," just about damn near fell out of her seat. 

"But--But--I don't understand," Asia said.  "For one thing, your profile picture said you were some scrawny white kid with red hair!"

"Yeah, well, I just found some random white guy's picture and put it in with my application.  You'd think that in today's day and age that companies wouldn't judge someone by their ethnicity, but it still happens all the time.  I applied to a scholarship program last year and I almost got it and when I came in for the interview the lady just looked at me strangely and said 'Oh... I thought you were... Uh... Jewish.'  Over the phone the man told me that they were the most impressed with my application out of all of them, but then they find out I'm a black dude and suddenly some house building project in Mexico becomes more impressive than being on the verge of a scientific breakthrough for a new energy source."  I could tell I was winning them over despite the fact that they were both still mad at me.  "I'm really sorry that I lied to both of you.  I just... I really need that grant to finish my work and I thought that I finally had a chance at something like this, but about a month ago they found out who I was and told me that I had an advantage and asked me to befriend each of you.  I feel terrible about this whole thing.  Sick in fact."

"You convinced me to set up that elaborate frat house thing!" Indi yelled.  "You even got me the drugs to do it!  You are a lying piece of dog shit!"  And you can see here how she throws her bag at me and hits me with her tiny fists.

"And you convinced me to hire that guy off the internet to... You know..." Asia trailed off.  "Ack!  I can't believe you!"  And she started beating me with her purse too. 

"I know," I told them in a super sincere manner.  "I should have just stopped while I had the chance, but now the stakes have been raised."  They stopped hitting me because they are both selfish and want to know what was in store for them.  "They said that they would be able to make sure we each left with a whole lot of money today if we just did one last thing."  And then Ted comes out here and lays it on thick for us all.

"Good afternoon, ladies," Ted says, coming out in his tech vest and jeans with a headset still around his neck.  "If you'd all come back with me, I have an interesting business proposition for you.  I'm sure after everything that's happened you'll be quite happy with it."  The girls are looking at each other here.  You can see how hesitant they are, but then they look at me and I nod my head that I'm going with it and we all follow Ted into the back.  Ted is our director and he is just amazing.

We cut out the part where we walked down the hallway to get to the casting room, but here we are entering it.  You didn't miss too much.  I promise.  You can see the girls looking around at the couches and chairs and they don't think too much of it.  I can assure you, that is not a room that you'd want to turn a black light on!

The three of us sit on the larger red couch and Ted pulls up a chair.  The girls don't realize that they've been being recorded since they walked into the building, but at this point Ted asks them, "Do you mind if I start recording this?" with his POV cam.  "Just so we can show that everything is on the up and up here and that no one did anything to threaten you or treat you unfairly."  I tell them that it's probably a good idea and they agree.  "So, I'm sure that Eric here told you that we don't specialize in purely environmental endeavors.  There was a contest and there is prize money and we have even selected a winner.  But not everyone can be a winner. So what I'd like to offer the three of you today is a chance.  You can all either decide that you'd like to just have one person walk out of here with $100,000, or we could make a deal and each of you would get to leave with $50,000."

"Well, who was the winner of the contest?" Asia pipes up here.

"That isn't how the game works.  If I tell you, only that person is leaving with the check."  The two of them started to look worried, so I started to look worried too.  I can be a damn good actor when I put my mind to it. 

"What would we have to do to all leave with the money?" Indi asks.

"Well I'm glad you asked," Ted tells her sweetly.  He puts his hand on her thigh here, and if you pause it you can see me shoot him a dirty look and he takes it off pretty quickly.  "I'm heard Eric explain to you what kind of business we run here.  We run a tight, legitimate operation here and there is money to be made for everyone."  This is the part where Indi starts to get up to leave, but Ted tells her, "You know, I saw your proposal and $50,000 would really help you with your research."  You can see the gears turning in her head and probably against her better judgement she sits back down.  That little slut Asia doesn't move the whole time.  You can tell she's been down for it even from out in the lobby.  "We have quite the ensemble cast here," he continued.  "We have a blue-eyed Asian, a good virgin Indian girl and a black guy who could probably do quite a bit of damage to both of them."

"That is so racist!" Asia exclaimed.  "Eric may not be the best person in the world, but just going around saying that black guys are... you know... is a major stereotype!"

"Actually, he already saw it.  He told me about the company's offer before you guys got here.  I think $50k would get me pretty damn far with my project.  I don't know about you two, though," I said sheepishly.

"So how about it kids?" Ted asked them with his creepy late-forties, white guy leer.  "If you weren't seriously considering doing it, you'd be gone already."

"I don't know," Indi started.  "I just--"

"Listen, I know that for you this is probably the hardest decision of all."  Ted is amazing at getting these girls to do what they do.  "Your virginity is a hard thing to part with.  But I also understand that you are a strong, independent woman and things like that shouldn't hold you back.  If doing this one hour of work is going to pay for your dream, does it really matter if you feel shame for a tiny bit of time?  The only guilt that you would have would be from some pre-conceived societal notion that a woman is only worth the purity of what's between her legs.  As a scientist you know better than that."  Amazing, I told you.

The two girls look at each other right here and whisper a few things among themselves.  You can see Indi literally swallowing her pride here and the two girls agree to it on tape.  It was a beautiful moment.  If I did the whole gay-for-pay scene, I would have fucking kissed Ted right here!

"Now this isn't some flowery story porno," Ted said once things were getting started.  "This is gonna just be some really basic stuff.  When you try to jam a story in these things, it just gets fucking ridiculous.  People just want to see sex and lots of it.  So let's get down to brass tacks here.  You two girls are going to be making out and--"

"Woah!" Asia interrupted.  "I have never done anything with a girl before!  That might be too much for me..."

"Do you want the money or not?  In your case, you probably won't have to work for a few years with that kind of cash."  Ted arched a sarcastic eyebrow at her that you can't really see in this shot, but it worked and she stopped complaining.  Indy looked like she was just still in shock that she was actually going through with all of this and kept quiet.  "Anyway, you're going to be on the couch making out and then Eric here will come in, you two are going to play with each other to turn him on, he's going to fuck you both and we will play the rest by ear.  As long as there's a money shot in the end everyone's happy!  Got it?"

I like this shot because we are all just looking at each other and I give the girls this look that says, "Well, I guess I'm going to fuck you guys now."  It's just classic.  I love it!

So they stop the camera for a few minutes here and everyone goes into makeup and gets cleaned up and everything.  They gave that Asian girl some false eyelashes and it made her eyes look amazing.  Both of them are wearing skimpy lingerie in the opening action scene and you can tell Indi isn't used to it at all.  They both just look absolutely amazing.  I was crazy excited at this point watching from the side. 

So here we open up and the girls are making out on the couch.  It looks really awkward at first, but Ted shouts out that they need to make it look convincing.  He's given them a few lines to memorize and has cue cards all written out on the side.  Then you can kind of see here when Indi closes her eyes that she is probably pretending that it's someone else and she really gets into it.  Ted tells them he needs to see tongue and they do it for him.  Asia isn't a stranger to this and bites Indi's lower lip at one point.  They eventually become so engrossed with the whole thing that they are pawing at each others' chests and rubbing curves that they had never touched on another girl.  It was amazing.

And of course then I come in and break up the whole thing. I use some corny line here asking what they were up to and if I can be of any service. I don't really care for most of the dialogue in this particular film until we get to the good part, but you can see that whatever my Eric character is saying here really works because both of them get on their knees and eventually end up sucking my cock.  This POV shot here is great because if you're watching at home it's almost like both of them are sucking your cock.  Damn I love technology! 

Look at these girls!  They are real pros right here.  Asia even helps with some dom stuff and pushes Indi's head up and down on it.  Very classy.  And that Asia girl was really great with her tongue down there too.  That's why when we finished this scene we had her go down on Indi.  She looked pretty intimidated, but once I pushed her face into it she did it like a champ.  We were all a bit surprised when we didn't have to ask either girl to have any work done down there since they were both already shaved.  It made things easier. We had to trim Asia's nails down so that she didn't cut Indi when she put a few fingers inside of her, but she didn't mind taking care of that.

Asia had almost three fingers in there while Indi was taking care of me.  She was so gorgeous with my dick in her mouth.  I'm pretty wide and it looked like it was starting to hurt her jaw since it was stretched so much.  So when I could see that she had had enough of that we got set up for a pretty pivotal scene. 

"Now I'm going to pop that pretty cherry of yours," I said pretending to read from the cue cards.  Indi looked scared, but Asia looked like she was almost looking forward to this part since there was some bad blood between the two girls.  Ted told Indi that she needed to get on her hands and knees at this point and she was asking if she could do it missionary, which is why we switched camera angles here for a second so that we could edit out that part.  Ted told her that she had to do it doggie style because that way we could see more of it.  That was pretty much a lie.  I just wanted to do this girl from the back and I let Ted know that before we had started.

Indi tells Asia right here (when I've got my hands on her hips and Asia is spreading her apart for me) that she is afraid that it is going to hurt and thinks that it's too big.  She whispered that to her, but I made sure the sound guy picked up on it because it was an insane turn on.  As I started to push myself towards her tight, wet pussy, she tried backing away, but Asia held her down for me and I was able to get it in.  I felt like I was breaking ground for a new building that was going up or something.  She cried out and there were tears and screams, but Asia started to rub her clit for her and she started to warm up to it.  But there were for sure some gems in there that we hadn't even asked Indi to say like, "It's ripping me apart!" and "It hurts so bad!  Please take it out of me!"  She was a natural.

It was fantastic because once I was able to really tear into her, Asia had been super intuitive about our little virgin's clit and she came all over my cock about five minutes in!  It was amazing and I almost lost it right here at this part because she was just convulsing while I was inside of her.  Very nice stuff!  And since she was so good I let her lay down on her back.  I kissed her and told her what a good little whore she was being and she slapped me. 

While Indi lay down on her back I had Asia get on top of her and straddle her.  They made out a little more and while they did that I started rubbing Asia's pussy and getting it all nice and wet.  She was pretending not to like it, but if you listen closely you can hear her moan a tiny bit.  I pushed her ass up into the air just a little bit and slid myself inside of her.  For someone who has had as much sex as she has, she was still surprisingly tight.  I could tell she loved my giant cock.  She even pushed herself into it a few times when I was slowing down.  Ted had to tell her to keep kissing Indi while I was doing it.  She was great.  And since they were both being so good, I gave them a little treat.

I didn't want anyone to feel left out, so I started going from pussy to pussy.  I'd fuck Asia and then stick it in Indi in a slick, fluid motion as you can see here.  I told Indi that she needed to return the favor to Asia and made her rub her clit while I had them both.  It took a little time, but Asia was able to get to the same place that Indi had.  Absolutely beautiful. 

After they had both climaxed at least once, I had them get on their knees again and get ready for the final scene.  Indi said she wasn't going to put something in her mouth that had been inside of someone else, but Ted told her bluntly that if she didn't do it that she wasn't going to get her money.  I was really close at this point, too, so she sighed and while she had her mouth opened I pushed my cock back in her mouth and she made a terrible face.  "You like the taste of your own pussy in your mouth, don't you Indy?"  She shot me a dirty look, so I pushed as much of it as I could into her mouth and down her throat.  You can see her choking right here as her eyes get really big.  I wanted to make sure Asia got some too and I can see looking back at this that she didn't want to choke, so she willingly took it all in. 

The girls were both great through the whole thing so I told them to open their mouths nice and wide and they did.  I think that was my favorite shot of the whole thing, both girls with their mouths and eyes wide open waiting to take what they had coming to them.  And did they ever.  When I finally got to that place I got it all over their pretty little faces.  And as they sat there on their knees covered in my sticky, white seed, I finally got to say what I'd been waiting to say for the last few weeks with a smile on my face:

"And this has been the latest installment of TrickedCollegeGirls.com!  Thanks for that ladies!  Now get the fuck out!"

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Really Old Poetry: Seksie and Otherwise

Like Pages of a Storybook

If you love something, let it go...
But someone?  I think not.
Clich├ęs are such a bore,
And so are "sayings."
Poetry in motion just doesn't move anymore,
Pages no longer come alive,
And there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Sorrow and depression reign supreme,
And the silver lining on every cloud has turned a putrid shade of gray.
"Someday my prince will come," she said.
But he left her with those vertically challenged little men forever.
The glass slipper broke,
She pricked her finger on the spindle and never woke again,
And nobody lived happily ever after.
So, when you imagine your storybook ending,
Just keep in mind that some of the pages could be ripped.


Devil Worshiper

You tease me and taunt me,
With false hopes and
Empty promises.
Come hither my dear
And make good on your word.
Your seniority tears me,
It rips me,
It mocks me.
You fuck me to my knees
As you put me in my place.
Control me, abuse me,
But please don't forget me.
Use me
And seize me,
Make me your dirty whore.
So take me and break me,
Confuse me,
Belittle me.
Do whate're you want,
But please dear come now.


Freud Said It Best

Everything is sexual:
Your mother,
Your father,
Your dog,
Your cat,
And the list goes on from there.
We were built foolishly,
With the desire to procreate.
Any and everything that we do
Relates back to one simple word.
Sex.
Some blush to say it.
Some attempt to sensor it.
But you cannot hide from it.
To do so would be godly.
None of us are.
So we must...
Fuck.


Immaculate Deception

Biologically impossible.
Could never happen.
Ridden hard and put away wet, she was.
It was stuck in her somewhere,
But the son of "God" couldn't be born
Through pleasures of the flesh.
Thou aren't so holy Mary.
An excuse for wedlock and a bit of luck
Was all "He" was.
Lie.
Deceive.
I won't play your game.
Hail Mary.
Hail Jane.
Hail Sue.
Hail Me.


Don't Think I Didn't See You

Scary seduction,
Peering eyes,
You'd think by now
I'd be more wise.
Visual rape,
Eyes made of hands,
Searing me hot
With their cornea brands.
Staring and prying,
Not forgotten or gone.
They see me as they
Turn their memories on.
Brazen 'cross minds
And through centuries past,
My imperfect image
Unfortunately lasts.


What Shall I Do?

Shall I put you away?
Parade you around?
Take you for granted?
Throw you aground?
Shall I lay o're your lips?
Caress you real well?
Bask in your glory?
Burn in your hell?
Shall I sleep in your heaven?
Lay claim to your mind?
Throw myself upon you?
Pretend to be kind?
Shall I pretty your poison?
Bewilder your thought?
Perhaps maybe you'll love me...
Then again, maybe not.


Don't Push Your Luck

Don't try to control me,
I might buckle over.
Don't think of abuse,
You're sure not my lover...
Nor master,
Nor mistress,
Nor significant other.

Don't play with my head,
I'm sure not your toy.
Don't picture me nude,
For I'm not your Playboy...
Nor poser,
Nor player,
Nor realistic McCoy.

Don't love me and leave me,
I'm not yet your whore.
Don't baffle or beat me,
Wait - on that I'm not sure...
Nor certain,
Nor decided,
Nor wanting much more.

Don't try to confuse me,
Sorry dear, not today.
Don't get cocky with me,
Or I'll blow you away...
Or ride you,
Or screw you,
I'm on top either way.


Sexual Predator

Sexual predator
Come and abuse me.
Fuck me and suck me
And recklessly use me.
Sexual predator
Take innocence away.
Waste me and taste me
Do all that you may.
Sexual predator
Make me lose myself.
Lick me and stick me
Abhor my body's wealth.
Sexual predator
Fuck out my brains.
Thrill me and drill me
And all that remains.
Sexual predator
Take me right now.
Tease me and please me
I'll show you how.


What I Have to Offer

With one touch I can make you moan,
Make you scream,
Make you show,
How my lips can caress you in ways unimaginable,
How my fingers can whisper with words unintelligible,
How my mind licks your chest,
And my tongues’ thoughts illegible.
All that to show you my lust.


Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Cursing, yelling,
Pursing lips.
Gliding, sliding,
Velvet hips.
Sniveling, whining,
Sour tears.
Wrinkling, crumbling,
Bitter years.
Wasting, rotting,
Desolate graves.
Burning, turning,
Satan's slaves.


Not-So-Subliminal Messages

If you knew what I was thinking,
You'd make me wash my mind out with soap
Because it's oh so dirty.
And maybe my perversion would inspire
You to do all those horrible, naughty things
That my body is begging for you to
Do.
Me,
I would tease you with my hips,
Taunt you with my lips,
And
Run my fingertips down your chest.
I'm not asking for anything in return;
Not a commitment or a relationship or
Love.
It
All depends on one thing though:
Can you take me on?


Anywhere but Here

My life is a mess and I want to die,
I don't have anytime for these damn shallow rhymes.
I need to explode -
Like a gun to my head,
Like a bottle of pills,
Like a knife stained in red,
Like a noose,
Like a dagger - hid under my bed.
Or a whore from the corner -
Yes, that's what I said.
'Cause I feel like a whore after all I've been though,
And you just wouldn't get it unless it was you
I'm not a damn Catholic, so suicide's fine,
I'm not Christian or Buddhist - so where's your next line?
The point is this that I can't go to hell
If it doesn't exist to me - so, oh well   [isn't that the best rhyme?]
And if killing me sends me to hell
Don't you fear,
Because hell is much better -
So is anywhere but here.


No Need to Be Blunt

My love life has flat lined:
Like a thousand DNRs
Like a DOA trauma
Like a run on with cars.

And my sex life's not moving:
Like a body that's dead,
Like a large windless sail,
Like a virgin in bed.

And my social life's faster:
Than a cheerleader teen,
Than the Indy 500,
Than the homecoming queen.

And my life is depressing:
Like a sad country song,
Like a sunken in pothole,
Like this poem - it's all wrong.


Shall E're She See the Next?

She deceitfully reached for a butterscotch candy,
Filling the small, yellow bag wrist deep with her hand.
She - the lowly Cinderella -
Would finally taste revenge.
She examines the golden wrapper -
Tightly surrounding the candy,
Waiting to be released.
She could give it the freedom it craved.
This inanimate object longing for liberation,
As once she had.
But alas, broken and whipped she had fallen,
Desired nothing but what she deserved...
Pulling both ends rigid she felt her locks release
And with the shedding of the wrapper came the shedding of her chains.
The discarded wrapper glided to the floor as the
Morsel melted past her lips.
Whoever decreed that revenge isn't sweet
Is terribly mistaken.


A Bit of This and That

Silver corded promises
And flowery retorts.
You leave me hanging by a golden thread,
Dangling,
Waiting to be sheared by your jagged tin snips.
Don't tease me with your lucky charms,
For it is neither polite
Nor wanted.
Make up your mind.
Don't tell me that you find me unattractive
If you want to get in my pants.
Flattery is the way to a woman's heart,
Not your cock.
Deflate my ego and get a slap in the face.
Like it and you're mine.
Sugar coat my everything and
Rose tint my horn-rimmed glasses.
Everything could be perfect
But not nearly as much
With you.


The Sun in Cali Shines Mainly on the Valley  (Central that is!)

Oh how I hate the winters here,
No more jeans cut off from the knees.
With it's blistering cold,
It won't snow I am told,
For it won't surpass fifty degrees.

And how I hate the springtime here
For all it does is pour.
And the pollen around
Sends me allergy bound
Make it stop I can't take anymore!

Don't start me on the summers here
For an understatement is hot.
'Cause the sidewalk fries eggs,
All around you are legs,
And some A/C you better have got.

And then there comes the autumn's here
Streets filled with golden red
But what I hate
Is autumn's fate,
For winter kills everything dead.


A and B and Possibly See

Irrational mutterings that she called numbers,
Equations, distractions,
Screwing with my head.
She sits there so poised and casual,
Knowing not what she speaks of,
Jabbering away,
Searching for the words to describe her madness.
Millions of pauses,
A myriad of pen strokes,
Symbols,
Things that I keep telling myself I know.
Confusion runs rampant throughout the room.
A bell can be heard in the distance,
All is well.


Cone of Silence

When I cry,
You can't hear it.
You put up your shield of denial
And hide behind your immature lover.
I have no where to go and no one to turn to.
No place of solitude, nor a friend in which to confide.
I feel desperate and lonely and dangerously suicidal.
And as I sit and cry
He leers at me from outside my window.
I'm not his side show geek
And I'm sure as hell not yours.
He leans up against the car that you promised me,
Takes out his cheap neon lighter
And with fat digits lights one up.
Sometimes my crying ceases for a bit and I hear him -
He laughs between puffs.
The bastard thinks it's all a game.
And you -
You sit in the family room
Worshipping the damn computer screen,
Acting totally oblivious to all that falls around you.
You care when it makes you the hero,
When it will give you some redemption for all the wrong
You have caused.
You don't give a flying fuck or a rolling donut whether or not
I'm happy.
So use your crippled lover as a crutch,
Your children as your pity chip,
Your own crappy decisions as sympathy,
But someone will soon piece it all together,
And then -
Checkmate.


Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want

It's fun to be hideous,
A ball to be blunt,
It's nice to be scary,
And fabulous to -
    be curt...
It's cool to be bulimic
Spiffy to be slick,
It's wonderful to be blonde,
And great to -
    be diabolical...
It's peachy to be stupid,
And good to find some luck,
It's horrid to be popular,
So what the hell, let's -
    fuck!


Social Liability

Is it so wrong to have such a distaste for life?
When our eyes meet it is nearly impossible
To not see your distaste for me.
Never your equal,
Flailing wildly about, hoping ne're to make a sound.
Being pushed to the back
In your sad attempt to conceal.
I profusely apologize for not being
Bland and normal.
Shoot me if you must,
But I won't tote your gun
And I won't wear your armband.
Your discrimination screams louder than my apparel.
Tomorrow may take me in my entirety,
But you shall still remain -
Incomplete.


Religious Blur

She threw her morals aside
And picked up the Bible -
A painful decision it hurt her to make.
"There is no God!" she proclaimed to all.
The unreciprocated love she felt
Was proof enough for her.
The death of loved ones,
The power of the idiotic -
Nothing but sweet stupidities
In the great show and tell of the cosmos.
And then one day God came down to earth -
And he was a vengeful God.
He told her how wrong she was,
So she spit in his face.
"You don't exist!" she said.
And in a puff of smoke he was gone.
Tearfully, she opened the
"Good book"
She read page after page
Tearing each one after the other.
And into the bonfire the pages went the papers.
And the smoke cleared.
And she was content.


Disclaimer

So I did it because I loved the feel of his body.
And he made me feel wonderful,
Like some awful drug.
And I did it because I wanted him -
Hands of obscurity and blind faith,
Always willing,
Wanting to please.
And I did it because he challenged me,
Dared me to love him.
And I did it because it was good,
And I liked it.
And so did he.
Then it stopped
And I felt like a whore,
Just like my mother told me.
And I tried to pretend,
But it was just too late.
And he unsuccessful string of lovers came,
But no one quite fit.
And now I sit waiting -
For you.


Untitled

I wear my sorrow on my sleeve
For all the world to see.
And where I go, undoubtedly,
My sorrow follows me.
It has no invitation,
Though I doubt that it would care,
For every time I turn away
I feel its presence there.
And late at night, amid the sheets,
A loneliness occurs.
My sorrow keeps it company,
And both are soon deferred.


Leaves of Freedom

They dance to the ground;
Swirling colors with transparent partners.
No limbs with which to flail
No voices with which to scream.
Soulless slaves bound to the fate of the earth.
Brittle and contorted,
Red, Yellow,
Auburn, gold.
They could wait to be plucked,
Yet they choose to let go,
And in a downward spiral they plunge.
Away, away, away...
If ever I could achieve this bliss
I would truly be worthy of your
Blossom.


So Called Guardians

It's their house,
It's their rules,
Maybe that's why we're paying rent.
That's why we're on welfare.
That's why we use food stamps.
That's why we're exposed to second-hand smoke.
How can such morons exist?
What the hell are they thinking?
It's not a case of age before beauty,
But of age before intelligence.


Poet in Motion

Tears dripping from her pen
She sobs amid messy blankets
Strewn haphazardly about the bed
She had to learn the hard way
Loneliness is awe-full
People from two different worlds never mix
They merely collide
Good poets never lead good lives
They just fade away


Untitled

Pain,
Pain,
Sheets of dread,
Sheltered sarcasm
Stealthily sped.
Words of rapture
Electrify hills.
Don't you know that thinking kills?


Green-Eyed Boy

What would you do if I gazed into your soul?
Those moody green eyes
Staring back at me.
Forget all the cheesy love sonnets of times past.
You can gaze into a soul when
You can walk on water.
If I like your green eyes
Then I'll write you a masterpiece -
A whole fucking epic...
Although I doubt I'd stop at your eyes.
Letters and punctuation with lewd connotations.
Nooks,
Crannies,
Expired poetic licenses -
Just to tell you you're hot.
Yikes!


Rose is Rose by Several Names

Can't wait to gaze into your eyes
Then dive deep down between your thighs -
Don't care what's right or wrong or wise,
Just close your lids and scream.

Can't wait to taste your luscious lips,
To feel the curvature of your hips,
Then lose in you my distal tips -
If you know what I mean.

Can't wait to lay down on you chest
From all that work I'll need a rest
'Cause after all, babe, I'm the best
And you'll know when you've seen.


Limerick

They sat discussing virginity
While wolfing down Divinity
"A man's great when he scores,
Yet all women are whores!"
This discussion will last for infinity.


See with Your Eyes, Not with Your Hands

These kisses aren't for you,
This outfit isn't either.
And neither are these Stilettos
Or this perfect V-neck cleavage
You never wanted me or my Birkenstocks,
Just thin, trim, pretty Goldielocks.
Go fuck yourself and maybe then
You'll recollect, remember when
The moment it was right for you
Despite the shit you put me through;
The tears I cried,
The nights I died,
The times I won't remember why.

And all for what?

A bitter self-promotion freak
With narrow wits and logic weak.
And although you can do the math
You haven't seen my darkest wrath.
To leave you lonely,
Sugar dear,
And that, I think's, your greatest fear.


Written in the Rain

No redemption for empty emotions
Shallow, hollow...
Nothing ever good
Comes of longing over
Someone and
Something you
Can't and will
Never have, nor you would
Ever want.
You can fuck all the people in the world and till
Never feel anything even
Closely resembling
Love.
Yet if there isn't someone there
To warm you when you're cold
Or comfort you when you're bold
Nothing
Seems
Right.


Rain, Rain Go Away

Rain down on me 'till I don't feel no more,
'Till I don't cry no more,
'Till I don't hurt no more.
Rain down on me 'till it don't rain no more.
Let it rain.
Let it pour.
Let it storm.
Fall unto me 'till I don't pain no more,
'Till I don't ask no more,
'Till I don't want no more.
Fall unto me 'till you can't fall no more.
Let us fall.
Let us dive.
Let us mourn.


Why We Went Metric

Your sharp green eyes stare into me with
Sweet, languid aggression.
I love every second of your face.
You do not smile,
But crinkle the corners of your
Thin, crescent lips.
Secretly you love the attention.
I can see it in your brow.
Don't think for a minute that I don't know how
I slide into your subconscious
Like a cheap hooker into satin sheets.
You want me to want you but don't want me back.
Every hour of every day I agonize,
But that's okay, because I don't really need you...
Well, perhaps I do,
But I won't waste eternity deciding.


Field of Dreams

Come to the field where the grass lay low
And I'll show you a trick or two.
'Lo the stars' tepid shine,
And the moon's vacant glow,
I will roll you in cold morning dew.

Kiss me in the field where the grass lay low
And I'll taste of your sweet tongue and lips.
With your hands pressing mine,
And our legs intertwined,
I will put to good use your trim hips.

Deep in the field where the grass lays low
I remember the sight of your face.
And the sight where we lay
Still can't keep me away
As I recollect falling from grace.


Why I Can't

Suicide's a selfish act.
I cannot bear to press down even momentarily
As I trace my wrist with the sharp metal
I think of you probably more than you think of me,
But I know you care.
There is no way you can't.
A piece of you will be me forever.
When I see my reflection in the blade,
I see you behind me.
If I hold not the knife, I see you not.
Much sorrow rests on your weary soul
And you need not more.
Your pain is my own -
And I for one know,
You don't need a knife in my wrist
And I don't need a pain in your heart.
I'll love you forever,
Your little girl.

Typical

"You laugh because I'm different.
I laugh because you're all the same."
I saw that on a tee-shirt once.
They mass-produce them.


Life Sucks My Diction

I don't know if you
Know how
It feels
But I
Do
All I can
You know
How it feels
For a girl
With no family
Is just a
Girl
You need to come to
Your senses
Are clouded
Like Drano in a sink
When finally it all just
Goes down
On you


Chill

It's cold when you're alone,
Nowhere to go.
You are frigid and aching -
A soul without a body.
No warmth or
Blanket of security.
Just you.
And the darkness closes in.
The sun sets and you remain.
Just you.
Frozen.


All That I Wanted

Tears fall slowly,
To my stiff upper lip.
And they linger like salt,
Although they are bitter.
They taste so stupid
Because of his ignorance.
He'd never know;
He would never give me a chance.
He never tasted me
As I now taste him.
He tastes like jealousy
And everything I had ever wanted.
But I'll never have him
And now I don't think I'll ever want him again.


It Really Is Your Loss

I am pretty,
So fuck you.
And I am sexy,
So fuck you.
Don't say that I'm fat
Because you're too skinny anyway.
And girls with glasses are a major turn on -
Everyone knows that.
My freckles give me character
And yours are too few and far between.
Not a word about my teeth.
A gap means you'll go places in life -
And that you give great head,
But it's not like you'll ever know.


Locke Me Up

I want you to take control over me,
But let me be your weakness.
Don't be my Ashley Wilkes
When all I want is Rhett Butler.
I'll bring the silk ties,
And you bring the handcuffs.
Teach me about literature
And I'll show you some juxtapositions.


Drive-By

And why not?
Why shouldn't you be popular?
Fawned over by women galore?
Distract me into oblivion?
Why not?
It's not as if you make me anxious,
It couldn't be that.
Why does everyone stare?
Do I make myself so obvious?
I can't.
But as you drive by in your shiny SUV
With the platinum blonde on the
Passenger side,
I sit here and wait at the bus
Stop.


Strong and Mellow

WIth the certainty of my cries,
You pull the lash back fast.
You want to get it over with
So we can move on.
I pull off the faded corset,
The one with the burst elastic entrails.
You take out the stub of a candle
And melt the wax to my chest.
It still stings, but not like before.
When you bend me over
It's almost as sexy as yesterday.
Almost.
Your insults are as fresh as last night's semen,
And the opera tickets lie
On the refrigerator door -
Unused.


Used

Rows and columns of letters and numbers
Surround me in a threatening manner.
The college bookstore that sells
Writing tablets and pencils,
Calculators and pens,
Books:
New and used.
That horrid yellow sticker catches my eye,
And he walks on past me.
Last night was nothing but
The stars in the sky and his dick in my mouth.
I'd say his pleasure gave me mine,
But with the lights off
I couldn't even see him -
Although I felt it at the time.
I feel nothing now,
But gaze at the ragged, dog-eared paperbacks
With the marigold labels
And think.